Who cares what people think? I do what I want!

Most of us do care what people think, whether conscious or unconscious. We have been taught to care what our families, friends and community think about our choices. It’s another way of controlling our behavior with guilt. You can see a lot of it manifested in the tabloids about celebrities. (Can you believe so and so did that??!!!) Tabloids are a stomping ground for judging humans we have projected our own self worth onto.

We all are subject to “feeling bad” about our choices if it does not benefit the greater good. Actually, it’s very important that we do what is right for us, and all will benefit, though it might not be apparent immediately.

Now is the time for us to find our right place in the world. One of my teachers always says, “In nature, you don’t see a tree trying to be a bush, or a fox trying to be a wolf. Each plant and animal is an essential part of the ecosystem.” The human ecosystem also benefits when each person is doing what they love. It may seem a long way before we will allow everyone to do what they love, but there has been a great shift in this direction.

Parenting has changed a lot to allow children to be themselves instead of fitting into the family “mold.” New ways of teaching are developing to allow individual expression and child-led learning, as with Wallingford and Montessori schools, as well as homeschooling.

Have you ever had the experience of telling family or friends about something you are going to do and felt a weight in your stomach that did not feel good, and shifted what you did so they felt better about it? This reaction is guilt in you, or blame coming from them. Ever experienced a guilt trip? The good news is that it is easy to release the guilt. Once the guilt is released, you can make your choice based on what is right for you. This is another way that Process Coaching can assist you. We can find what is bothering you and get to the heart of the matter. We use Judgment Release plus looking into what you really, really want with Exploring Core Desire. We do not need guilt to be loving humans, but to be loving to ourselves spreads out to all people that we touch.

(To be continued, next month, with How to Accept Our Loved Ones Choices.) For more information about Process Coaching, go to http://www.ProcessCoaching.com.

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2 Responses to “Who cares what people think? I do what I want!”

  1. cpotts123 Says:

    Hi Cathy,

    Read your latest blog entry with interest.

    In general I agree with your thoughts but wonder if, at times, “guilt” is not a “healthy” thing. Perhaps guilt is the wrong term but I mean a sense that a person will be sorry if their actions carelessly, selfishly or needlessly cause hurt to others.

    I’d be interested in your thoughts on this.

  2. cathybreshears Says:

    Thank you for your question!

    First, to clarify, sorrow and guilt are completely different. Guilt is not an emotion. Guilt is the thought that you have done something wrong or bad, according to belief or judgment. The belief or judgment can come from many different sources, generally other people (family, soceity, friends) but also from our experiences of the past. Guilt is like a gas bubble that pushes against the emotions and makes them hurt. Guilt has been used as behavioral control to keep people in line and to do what others want. Blame and shame are the other side of guilt, but pretty much the same thing.

    Sorrow, is a true emotion. It is grief. Grief is love contracted. We feel grief when we’ve made mistakes and when our actions hurt others. We feel grief for many reasons. We feel grief whether or not something is “right or wrong”, it is an expression of love. Expressed, grief returns to love and compassion. Grief is never right or wrong. It is just how we feel about something.

    We do not need guilt to tell us what to do or how to behave, think, or feel. In fact, guilt often causes people to do what will cause pain and suffering for everyone involved. When we love our selves and act out of love for our self, it does not always look like it to the people affected by another person’s actions, because we feel what we feel about it. When we hurt, we actually often blame or shame the other person because we don’t like how it feels to hurt or feel sorrow and loss. “Selfish” is also a judgment against loving the self and doing what is right for the individual. We have been taught that loving the self in this way is not OK. The most loving and caring people, who act out of love, instead of guilt, denied fear or rage, will do what is best for themselves as well as give abundantly to others. If we allowed people to make their choices and sit with and accept our own feelings about it, the bigger picture of honoring self and modeling honoring of self gives everyone permission to do what is right in the moment coming from love. The world would be a much more loving place if we allowed each other this freedom.

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