How do I improve my self-esteem? I thought I liked myself OK but why do I feel so bad?

Self-esteem, self-love and self-hatred are closely linked and not easily separated, generally speaking. One person may seem to think very highly of themselves by the way they talk about themselves. The ego is often involved in the confusion and identified as Self. There is much more to the Self than we have realized.

The ego tends to ignore and cut off or deny what it doesn’t like about the personality. It starts out early when we are babies and we try to figure out what we have done wrong and try to remake ourselves, in fear of loss of love, food or safety.

Even the parents with the best of intentions have done or said something that triggers pain in the child.

Unconscious harm and purposeful harm exponentially cause the child to shift to please the family to avoid loss of love. This has created patterns for centuries in humans.

Recognizing the self patterns and later the patterns of the family allows us to stop the repetition and the reinforcing of the patterns. You can recognize this in yourself when you decide to do something different than your own parents did that you did not like as a child.

You can also recognize this when you realize that something that has worked for one child doesn’t necessarily work for another.

While reading this, remember that this isn’t about who causes the harm. There are many levels of understanding behind “why things happen,” including that sometimes things just happen. Other times, there is a reason, but the level of each Being involved is difficult to see with only a cursory look and with old, conventional thinking. On what level is each person involved? It’s not up to us to say. We are multi-faceted Beings and not easily understood with cookie cutter eyes and theories and from looking from the outside at another.

I’m asking you to consider other possibilities because new thinking and ways of doing things are absolutely necessary for evolution, and evolution is needed now. What we have been doing isn’t working. Look at the world. Look at the destruction and hatred of people all over the planet. It is a direct reflection of what is going on inside us. The macrocosm reflects the microcosm.

When you look at someone and feel hatred, know that it is not the person you hate, but a part of yourself they are reflecting back to you. You hate the part of yourself that person is reflecting back to you. When you dislike or find yourself annoyed by another person or a kind of person, know that you dislike and are annoyed by a part of yourself. I could go much further with this, but I think you get the idea.

Back to the original question about improving self-esteem and feeling bad: You may truly love parts of yourself, and some of you may even love the bigger part of yourselves. The problem is that there is a lot that you do not love, the warts, the pimples, the “weakness,” “neediness,” when we are “over-weight,” “lazy,”” unmotivated,” “selfish” or “shy,” etc. You can write a list of what you like or don’t like about yourself or anyone, including the state of the planet. (Our part in the state of the planet is another discussion altogether.) I am using quotation marks because these are all judgments.

The secret to more self-esteem and self-love is not only to practice and love the parts that you have not loved for so long. The secret is to release the thoughts, the judgments and beliefs that keep you from being able to accept the love coming into you from all around you! If you are not feeling loved in your life, you can then find out how to take yourself out of un-loving situations, and find ones that are right for you, when you are loved and appreciated just as you are. You never have to stay where you are not loved. It can be difficult to see the way out when you believe what un-loving words and doubt have to say.

But it becomes increasingly easy to ignore those words when you can feel and accept the love the world and people around you have to offer. It is much easier to love yourself when judgments (denial) are released. Loving the self is the source of self-esteem and self-worth. This is also how you learn to release the “bad” feelings mentioned in the question we started with. (See above.)

If you would like help improving your self-esteem and self love, talk to a Process Coach and we can help you along the way until you are ready to continue on your own.

http://www.processcoaching.com

For my personal page http://www.processcoaching.com/cathy

Parenting Ourselves

Since I’m doing a workshop called “Parenting Ourselves,” I thought I would explain a bit what that’s about.

Have you ever had the experience of witnessing an adult behaving like a temper tantrumming child, an afraid child or an inconsolable, sobbing child? Do you recall perhaps behaving like one, despite your intentions to remain calm in trying situations?

What you may realize is how often this actually happens! How can we help ourselves in those moments when we feel we can’t cope?

Daily life triggers us into the hurt child quite easily. (The child is the metaphor for the feeling.) It is the desire of the child to be accepted and understood. We may recreate similar situations over and over until we learn from them. We call that imprinting or blueprinting. Who is the part of us that can and is willing to accept and bring understanding to the child? S/He is what we call, the Healer or Parental Self.

“Parenting Ourselves” is how we help ourselves instead of merely coping. It is the Healer taking the role of a new, supportive parent to the child inside, in the moment of the trigger. Our parents did the best they could with the tools they had, the same as we as adults do the best we can with our own children. But we know best what we need now (and what we needed in the past) though we usually don’t realize it.

We are all learning as we go. There are so many variables, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment, even with the seemingly best advice and experience we can get outside of ourselves through well-meaning friends and family. The biggest variable: children have different needs beyond basic survival. When we are triggered in the moment (or rather, out of the moment, into the past) acting as children raising children, we can hardly give our kids what they need when they need us the most! So we must do what we can to be there for them completely as adults, not as triggered children!

It is not impossible, but it takes some practice and exploring choices when we are triggered in order to help ourselves, and be better equipped to help our little ones.

Working in Retrospect

We practice by working in retrospect with the imagination. Just as you can prepare yourself for tough projects or practice a new skill by visualization, you can learn how to be more present by re-visiting past events with your imagination and bringing the new information—what you have learned as an adult from the very mistakes you have made—to the event. We call this “Repairing the Past” and “Regression.”

We can also change the mind by releasing judgments. Judgments and beliefs are decisions made as a child affect our whole lives until we are conscious of them and choose to let them go. The judgments and beliefs we are letting go are the ones that are not helping us have the life the way we truly want it to be. “Judgment Release” makes this easy.

The Parenting Workshop teaches you to apply this information and facilitates support with the teacher and fellow students. You can ask questions and practice the new tools until you are ready to do it on your own.(Next month: What are triggers? How do you identify them? And then what?)

With practice you will be able to always be there for yourself! In the meantime you can remove yourself from the trigger until you feel you can help yourself again (“Parenting Ourselves.”) If you are afraid to revisit the past, know that you are not “re-living” the past. You are bringing resources to the past. You are bringing the one that can help you the best! Your adult self.

http://processcoachingwithcathybreshears.eventbrite.com For Registration! 

***If you’ve already taken the Foundations Class, you may audit this class for free. (Future workshops can be audited for half the cost.)

***The early bird discount is extended until the day of the workshop, which starts next week!

How to Accept Our Loved One’s Choices

Often times we are going about fine, OK or we think “I shouldn’t complain, should I?” But when we look at others’ lives we really get set off.  We get angry or hurt and just plain “can’t understand” why they do what they do. Why do they hurt me? What did I do to deserve this?

Of course we often cannot understand absolutely what another’s choices are. But we can have compassion for them and listen to their reasoning or understanding  and begin to understand their choices by looking from their perspective.  But even with all the tools of compassion and understanding, what is most important is not why or what anyone has done, but how we feel about it.

We cannot change anyone. We often cannot get our loved ones to do what we want, but we are not meant to do that. All we can do is work with how we feel about it. It is a learning process for some to know what they are truly feeling in the moment. Often we are triggered into an earlier experience that is unresolved or there are beliefs and judgments confusing what we really feel. Unraveling or Releasing the Judgments takes the discomfort off of the emotions. The past trauma causing triggered emotions to resurface in the present isn’t even as important as the feeling that is coming up. The feeling needs to be loved and accepted just the way it is.

So another’s choice bothering us is actually an opportunity to bring support to feelings and parts of ourselves that we have never been able to accept or support until now. Learning to accept and support the feeling is loving the feeling and loving ourselves.

When we follow the feeling to find what is needed to support it and bring love to it, we can allow our loved ones to make the choices right for them and they will learn to do the same for us.
www.cathybreshears.com
www.processcoaching.com/cathy

Self Love and Hurting the Ones We Love

It can seem very difficult to do what we want also because we are empathic beings. We have the awareness and often it is sentient (feeling) awareness that our loved ones feel pain by our choices.  Discovering what we want is the easy part when speaking directly to our core desire. The second part is to give our desire what she wants and follow through to help, and make it so. Then, we must allow others to have the feelings they have about our choices.

Sometimes just that you exist is enough to hurt another, but again it is not you who is causing the pain.  It seems like we are the cause because we are the triggers. But we are not the cause. The cause can be difficult to see when the feelings are in a state of denial from the past, so we blame the trigger.

Then we avoid doing what we want or hiding the facts that we have done what we want in the moment, even if it’s a mistake that we would like to rewrite if we could, rather than hurt another. So now we are truly hurting ourselves in shame, another facet of guilt and judgment. Because we are so enmeshed in our relationships with each other we find it difficult to differentiate between the trigger, the other person’s feelings and our own feelings.

In Process work we use Perceptual Positions to differentiate and follow feelings back to the source of self denial and pain, to get to the real matter at hand. We practice in retrospect until we can use the tools in the moment of a trigger.

The Perceptual Positions and Judgment Release make it easy to let go of bad “feelings” of guilt, shame and even blame. Compassion and love are able to come through and shine light on the situation.

The bigger picture is revealed and it can be seen that what is best for one person, allows each to find their right place without tip toeing around to please the other.

Selfish or Self-Love

Selfish or Self-love?

How many times have you been told that you are being selfish or told someone else that they are being selfish, as if it were a bad thing?

You might be thinking to yourself that is correct, but please stay with me.

What is selfish exactly? Is it that you are doing something wrong, or are you doing what’s right for you? “Selfish” is a judgment.  When you are selfish, you are doing something that another doesn’t want you to do. We are taught that we should serve others first, whether it is in a relationship, the family, or society. But what happens when we take care of others first? Is there anything left for ourselves to give? We get burned out. Who knows what you need or want most? Only you know and only you can fulfill yourself.  The funny thing is that, when you are fulfilled, you have so much more to give and more desire to give.  The urge to give when your cup is full is the expression of love, which is joy.  Gifts or service that come from this expression of love and joy are wonderful to accept and no one is depleted.  Gifts and service made out of guilt and self-judgment from a depleted source doesn’t feel good to anyone.

Self-love

It takes a little practice after being told for so long that you should do what’s right for the greater good. How do we differentiate between what we want and what we’ve been told for so long is right? Do you know what you want? Do you know what is right for you? One way is to ask the question, is it what I really, really want?

Or, if I have that, what do I want that is deeper and more meaningful? This is part of a tool of Process Coaching that we use to become clearer about what our desire is all the way down to what our True Core Desire is. Core Desires behind every need or want relate back to basic desire for Love, Acceptance, Freedom and Peace. Once we reach the Core Desire we ask Desire how we can help to make it possible and do what it takes.

Do What You Want to Do in the Moment

What would happen if everyone did what they really want?  It would be a very different reality here on Earth. How much more love would there be to give if we were full of it ourselves?  Would we stop to help a person in need out of love and compassion? Would we seek to assist a single mother or father to raise their children like a village would?  Would we treat others as wonderful reflections of ourselves?  Would we seek to harm another person, child or our self? Would we subject ourselves to working at jobs that compromise our beings?  It might be hard to imagine because we haven’t experienced it yet. But it’s a good time to make changes on Earth.  (More to come…)

Unconditional Love for Body

 

“How do I love my body unconditionally when I don’t like the way it looks and feels?”

 

First of all, I want to mention that asking a question is the first step to healing, and to discovering that anything is possible.  All you have to do is ask how, why, what or when?

 

I begin by asking this particular question because it is a common question among clients of mine. It implies a couple things that are misunderstood again, in healing.

 

Your body is not a thing separate from your Self, it is the physical manifestation of who you are. You are much more vast than your body can hold at this time—but your body is a manifestation of the aspect of yourself that you are concerned with at this time and place. Take a moment and breathe into your feet, feel the seat beneath you, feel your eyes focus as you read the words on this page (yes you can feel your eyes focus, if you take notice).

 

The other misunderstanding is about unconditional love. Unconditional love it not forced love. There is nothing forceful about it. It is love allowed, it is acceptance. Unconditional love of your body is loving acceptance for your body, no matter what your body looks like or feels like.

 

So now the question is, how do we begin to love our bodies when we have been neglecting body for so long?

 

This is the same work we do to heal our lives and our emotions. Realize that your present body is a result of the love, care and attention you have given your body and your Self up to this moment. This includes the beliefs and judgments on body.

 

You can realize what those beliefs are very easily. We repeat the statements about our body quite often. “I am fat. I am out of shape. I haven’t exercised for months. I don’t have time to exercise. I don’t eat very healthy. Etc. I don’t like my body.” And we perpetuate these statements in the way we treat ourselves and the cycle continues. Now when I say “ourselves” I am including our bodies in that statement.

 

Accepting that the health and condition of your body is a result of what your beliefs and judgments are is easier to do knowing this.

 

But what about genetics? I’m ready for this question!  Genetics is about collective and ancestral beliefs. Have you noticed how easily we have accepted that we are going to have the same conditions of our ancestors? It is true that the chances have been higher—but what if we choose to follow in a different path than the path of our ancestors in this manner? Can we learn from their mistakes and do things different? Make new choices?

 

So the health and condition of our bodies is the result of beliefs and judgments of ourselves and of our ancestors beliefs and judgments.

 

What is important to consider here is this:  if my body is a result, what can I do to change the result? Start accepting that you have been doing the best you can. Start by treating your body knowing that you are creating your body anew. Change what you do with your new knowledge without beating yourself up for your past. As difficulties come up, because change can be difficult (harder than staying the same) and be compassionate to yourself. Watch, wait and see the changes. I love you Body, I love you, I love you, I love Me.

Pandora’s Box

When I have mentioned that I help people with emotional healing, I often see the reaction that it is Pandora’s Box that I am opening. It is a bit of a misunderstanding here, because of the misunderstanding of the work, and the emotions themselves.

 

It hasn’t been friendly to express the so-called “negative” emotions of fear, anger and grief. I have discussed these emotions in previous newsletters and how we create safety for these emotions, which are as much about human Being as the “positive” emotions of joy, passion and love.

 

One thing that helps the fear is recognizing the difference between trafficking in the future (which hasn’t happened yet) or excitement and guidance, true help for self in the moment.  Sometimes we fear that we are going to experience exactly what has happened in the past, which isn’t true. Just because something has happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again, unless we believe it will (or many people believe it will). This is when mind interferes with being in the moment.  Fear coming from intuitive guidance can be quite useful, and when listened to can keep us from taking a wrong turn or packing a raincoat (metaphorically and literally speaking).

It has also been the fear that we will have to re-live the traumas that have caused us to feel these emotions from our past. “Don’t look back!” Living in the past definitely does not help, but looking at the past to learn from it can also be quite useful.

 

The key point that I want to make here is that there is a big difference to re-living the past traumas and doing this work.  First we are bringing resources to parts of ourselves that did not have resources. Meaning, we the Healers are doing what it takes to help where there wasn’t ever before. We are further along in our healing and evolution than we ever have been. (The war, heartache and ails of humanity on Earth does not mean there is no hope for us—but that is a discussion for another newsletter.)

 

How can we help ourselves by visiting our past? When we realize that we are still reacting and responding to our past as if it were happening now, bringing the help to the child in us helps the cycle of reacting and re-traumatizing. In the body the past and the present are the same. It is only the mind that uses linear time to identify itself.

 

So it works. The child and adult self feel better and the patterns are changed—we are constantly learning.

 

The part of the story of Pandora’s Box that I like to remind you of is that Hope was not released to wreak havoc on humanity, but remained in the box (actually a jar), for there is always hope to heal.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandora%27s_Box

 

 

 

Intent

While preparing for my upcoming yoga and Process Coaching workshops I really felt at home in myself, knowing that right now, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing!  My mentor, John Pateros and my other fellow Process Coaches and Teachers were on a conference call talking about why this work is important to us as individuals and what do we want to learn or get out of teaching this work. This is how we decide which tools to focus on for each class in the series. Since I’m so passionate about this work I thought I would take this time to share this with you. Because this is the reason I have taken this work outside of myself to you.

 

In the beginning of my journey I sought to know myself. I wasn’t aware of this at the time. At the start of being aware of myself, it seemed as if there would be no end to the work to be done (and there isn’t—but wouldn’t that be boring if there was?). It seemed like a hopeless, uphill battle with myself and my world. I was coming out of being quite existentialist actually and felt much gloom and doom around me.

 

The first flicker of awareness in me was hope. That hope sparked in me a desire to seek out more than what had been presented to me in my life. So I ventured to ask questions and became a seeker. Since then I have been seeking, but for what? I did not know that it was for myself that I was seeking. But I had begun the quest. 

 

I love to read so books so I devoured many books from many religions and philosophies, science, fiction and biographies. As I sorted it out, I kept an open mind and began a sort of collection of what works resonated within me the most.

 

What I was seeking of myself, was the feminine in me.  Not as in female or woman, but the feminine in everything. Not to deny or undermine the masculine—but to find balance between the two. The feminine as in emotions and feelings, desire, passion, movement, sexuality and sensuality, honored as part of humanity—rather than a sort of bane of humanity.

 

I’ve wavered off the path I set out for myself time to time, been lost in the bushes or at a picnic, wavered on what seemed to be a cliff’s edge here and there, wandered over in wonder at a flower or followed the trail of a butterfly, fell in a couple of ditches, brushed myself off and returned to the path, countless times. Ultimately I return. It is my own path and it is my individual choices that I have made along the way, and with this work I’ve become more compassionate and loving to the choices I have made. I have become more compassionate and loving of others than I dreamed of being possible with my formerly existentialist outlook. I was afraid of what I would find—and found myself.

 

And now I get to share that with my friends, family and students, clients, or anyone willing to listen and learn, to explore themselves and their own paths to themselves—if they wish to do so. We grow individually and come back together, to be more true to ourselves and full of life.

 

Namaste, I honor you as I honor myself. Thank you for opening up to the possibility to explore new ways of being.